An open letter to my younger self,
There is a lot of life that is about to happen to you and its going to be really hard but really good. You will fall for people you shouldn’t and try to please them, just like you try to please everyone. The lesson will be hard but you will come out of it on the other side knowing yourself so much better then you every would without these hard moments.
Do not be afraid to make those mistakes because you will learn the hard way. You will learn that you are stronger then you think and that survival can carry you through until you have the mental strength to live again. Your heart is strong. So strong. Learn to let it beat for yourself. This is the biggest lesson that you will learn. You can give yourself the world because of your own interspection. Not everyone thinks like you do. Not everyone is willing to do the work. People will take advantage of this but you will start to see it clearly. You will remember who you are in these moments and while you are willing to constantly be learning, you will become accustom to knowing that others wont and that is not your fault.
You will learn to let go for yourself, without closure. You will learn that its okay to be the villain in other peoples story if that means that you get them out of your life. Its hard. But its worth it to being able to take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to move on without closure. Them nothing thinking about you and you still thinking about them from time to time doesn’t mean that you are failing. It means that you are empathetic. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t moving on. It just means that you acknowledge it as part of your life.
You will grow. You will know who you are through the things that you try, through the adventure that you are willing to have. You will remember that you always have the net of a good family and enough mental and emotional strength to leap into the unknown. You don’t think that you can just go but you can. You didn’t think that you could change careers, but you did. You thought that you had missed your chance by making a commitment but you can always change course. Its like jumping off a ledge into the warm ocean. You just have to jump and if you need to scream to get it out, fucking scream. As long as you jump.
You have learned to accept that things are not your fault all the time and stop saying sorry for who you are. The things that you want are not too much. You are not too much. No matter what they say, you will never be too much. Do not hide what you want, your passions or anything that you love. That is what makes you unique. It will be hard because sometimes when you laugh, your dad still winces. But that’s because of him, not because of you being happy.
There are some people that you will never be able to teach or help. You wont change peoples happiness or impress people that don’t want you to be happy or to win. This is not an act of rebellion. Its something that they need to work out. Love and self work are something that they need to do and decide to do, just like you did. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink fits as a saying here.
You are actually a positive person. Its okay to be positive and to try. Being cynical and bitter can be contagious so keep an eye on it. If people are always just cynical, you are allowed to step back and remember that yes bad things happen, life things happen, but that doesn’t mean the world is a bad place or that people are bad. Step back when you start to feel that way and remember that you have actually been through some really traumatic shit and can still be happy and funny. That means a lot about you and your mental health.
You will decide to prioritize yourself and might loose some people in your life because of that. You have always prioritized other peoples needs, other peoples feelings and other peoples approval and because of that you end up giving big parts of yourself, your time and your mental health. It is alright to be able to do things on your own. You don’t always need a partner. No you haven’t found the right one yet (Besides your dog) but that’s not a problem. The last partner you had didn’t prioritize your time and you ended up giving so much up for them, long runs, time outside, things you wanted to do, Sunday mornings to ride around in their car on their job. But they didn’t do that for you. Sacrifice is not love, most of all if it’s the sacrifice of yourself. They might not make you, but they see it and if they love you back you should be able to hang on to yourself and when they see it slipping they should say something.
You hold that rare talent of being able to learn just about anything and that’s so strange and beautiful. You are always trying something new from Pottery to accounting, you are so good at learning and that can change your life.
You will find new friends and hobbies that you can carry with you. You still run but you have rounded yourself out. You have found your artistic medium and love it. You have friends in running and out of running. You still talk to all of your friends on line and write with them. When you are one thing you burn. You can be a million different things and still be all of those things wholey at once.
The most important thing that I want to tell you is that you will surivive. You will get through all of the things that you never thought that you would survive. When you stomach hurts and chest hurts, pay attention but know that you will make it through. It will pass. That anxiety will pass. And you will thrive. Its not over until you decide that its over; nothing emotional will truly harm you physically. I know it physical hurts. I know you feel sick because you feel so much. But it won’t kill you. Its warning you that something bad is happening and you should thank your body, even if you can only do it after. You are a dynamic, fun, talented person and everyone that you know knows that. You are the only one who sometimes forgets it as you let it fade for other people. Just know that when bad things happen, and worse things will happen, you will survive. People that you love will die. You will loose Minion. You will probably lose or leave a job again. And you will miss them and love them but you will survive.
Please remember these things for now and for the future. 30-33 were fucking hard. But it gets better and by the time you are 35 you truly will love yourself and everything that you stand for.
Thank you for being there. Thank you for always trying.
You are loved, treasured, talented and worthy, even in your darkest moments. You are fine on your own (With a dog) and you are always going to come out better if you make yourself new every single day and remember those good parts of yourself.
Congrats on making it to 35.
-Your older, happy and loving self.