It is important to come into a relationship with yourself before you can come into a sexual relationship with your partner. For men (….and I’m not ragging on you guys. You’re lucky) they are taught to do this. It’s all too natural for a boy to touch himself and experiment but for girls it can be a bit more tricky.
Sadly this doesn’t just extend into adolecence either. Grown women are still shamed for their bodies and having any kind of sexuality. We are taught to surpress it and not talk about it. Not even with each other. There is no forum for these kind of talks, even in our mid-liberal culture where we say that women have come so far.
While woman’s rights have come a long way in the past few decades, it’s disturbing just how little things have changed as well. Women shame each other, we do not talk to each other or even allow ourselves to think certain thoughts because in our minds, we are even scolding ourselves for wanting to experience pleasure. Because of this we are found with generation after generation of women that are not educated about their bodies and can not find pleasure in an act that should be natural for us.
So much of this is because we have been taught that sex is for our partners…its not. Just so you know. It’s for both of you. The first step to that is to improve your sexual relationship with yourself. And like any relationship, this takes work, time and commitment. Here are a few things that I do to improve my sexual relationship with myself..
Have the conversation. Connect with other women about sex. Find open people and people that you can trust and really talk to them. If you can find a workshop from a licensed therapist even better. Keep lines of communication open. Did you know that over half of the female population thinks that there is something wrong with their genitals because the only examples they have scene are on unrealistic male porn? Communicate with other women and realize just how important it is to have a wide understanding.
Educate yourself: Women are not taught about out bodies. Did you know that the vagina is literally only the birth canel? Everything else is part of the vulva which is everything around it. Have you ever looked at your own genitals as a women? Probably not. Or the fact that most women think that there is something wrong with their genitals? Every vagina is normal. There are so many different kinds of vulva. Yours is not weird. Be sure to educate yourself on your body so that you know what the organs actually are.
Let go of shame. Shame kills pleasure. It’s hard to let go of shame. Most of all in our culture where you cant win. If you hide things you’re a prude. If you show things you’re a slut. You are neither of those things. They are just words people use to shame and take away your power. Letting go of shame is the first step towards pleasure.
Let go of the idea that you have to earn sexuality, a positive body image, ect. You do not have to earn anything. Period. Not affection. Not pleasure. You don’t have to earn a positive body image or praise on how amazing you are. Let go of the idea that you have to earn any of those things. You were born with beauty and sensuality.
Learn what you like: Experiment with yourself. Touch yourself. Learn what you like where you like it. No one is going to do something to you and it feel natural as a surprise right away. Know what you like before anyone else is involved in the process.
Learn to ask for what you want: you will never receive pleasure that you dont ask for. Your partner can not read your mind. Communication is always the hardest part and its not that your partner isn’t listening all the time. Sometimes you need to ask.
Dance: there is nothing better to get in touch with your own body than dancing. It can feel a bit uncomfortable at first, moving on your own, being comfortable in looking a certain way and moving your hands along yourself. Do it.
Look at yourself naked. You have the right to look at yourself and know that you ARE sexual. Look at yourself and take it all in. There is nothing weird or wrong with you no matter what you are. Realize that you are beautiful. Tell yourself without any other person having to tell you.
Take pictures of yourself naked. Since the beginning of time men have been painting, drawing, photographing and sculpting women naked but when a woman does it for herself people become uncomfortable because it is not the man in charge of a woman’s sexuality but herself.
Buy Sexy clothing for You: I don’t care if no one is going to see me naked. When I buy nice clothing and undies, its for me. If my partner gets a kick out of it that’s great. But I do not buy lingerie to impress other people. Buy it and wear it because it makes you feel sexy! I love my bra and underwear sets from Cuup.
Vibrate: I have written a post on why women should masturbate before. Click here. But I am going to say it again. Do it without shame. You are not dirty for touching and figuring out what you like. You are a sexual being. Invest in a good vibrator ( am eyeing one right now from a female owned company called Bellesaco) and understand that masturbation is a valid and worthwhile sexual act.