False Start: Journal Entry

I hate the fact that in this whole dating thing people play games.  They say they don’t want you to.  They say that honesty is the best but when it comes down to it I don’t think that’s what people actually want.  No, they want you to hide it.  They want you to “Not be too available”.  I guess its inevitable.  It’s just a natural human reaction to gravitate towards someone that doesn’t appear to like them.  But to me that might as well be lying.  It’s playing a game and I’m just so sick of people played with.  

I don’t think that I was built for this enviroment…but that vein.  I don’t think that anyone was built for this sort of thing.  I’m not going to try again in the foreseeable future.  Seeing everyone on these dating sites, seeing the way that people present themselves…like bait, it’s just not worth it when there is so much stress for maybe an hour of awkwardness.  

I don’t know how my ex did it; met someone and carried on a relationship with that sort of stress and foreboding hanging over his head.   I can’t even have a text conversation with a guy without fucking it up.  Maybe I am the one that messed everything up.  That’s the logical explanation right?  

I think the thing that gets to me is that I am totally fine on my own.  I go to the movies on my own, wander around the city on my own, take day trips on my own, go for runs on my own. I just like people.  I like being around them.  I like caring.  Somehow that became wrong.  Somewhere along the line I was supposed to lose hope and trust, and caring, and really just about everything that made life worth living.  Don’t get me wrong, I have my own issues.  But unlike most people, I refuse to believe that all men are scumbags because someone else was.  

I guess that makes me naive.  But I would rather be that than the alternative.

People can’t take away your optimism, your sparkle.  They can try but you let that fade.  

Dont get me wrong: shit will happen.  You will have bad days.  You’ll want to give up sometimes even if you are the most positive, upbeat person in the world.  Some people will have it easier then you; some people will have it harder.  But in the end, everyone has their issues and everyone has their days.  Train your mind.  Find the good.  Know what you want and know that being an asshole or getting stuck in your rut isn’t going to get you anywhere.  

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There is a time in our lives when we figure out that we are adults. When that time is...we sometimes don't know. Even at 32. I'm just a young woman trying to restart and learn how to live as an adult after years of just making ends meet. Coming out of a divorce was something horrid for Erika, but opening up to my authentic self and finding joy in the things I love has been a huge step forward. Becoming an adult isn't about the age you are at, but being comfortable in what you do, what you love and who you are.

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