If he’s not fucking you, he’s fucking someone else: And other things I’ve learned from my husband cheating.

I was told that there would be good days and bad days.  The past few days have been some of the bad days.  Its been a struggle not to call my ex and tell him that he ruined my life, that he ruined everything.  I keep telling myself that the only person who can ruin my life is me if I let them.  But sometimes positive affirmations aren’t enough.  I’m trying not to blame myself.  I didn’t cheat.  I always asked how he felt about things.  I asked why we weren’t having sex.  I tried to plan dates.  But somehow, even if his words logically dont feel logical, I still feel guilty.  Its like…was I that horrible?  I just wanted to do things that normal couples do.  Was that too much?  I never checked his cell phone.  I wasn’t nosey like that….

What it comes down to is that I grew up.  I started to do things and want things that people that aren’t in college want.  Actually., I always wanted these things and he knew that.  It was no secret I wanted kids or a house or some sort of….life.  But maybe it was asking too much.  But then I know the fact that I even think that is stupid and even if its not and he didn’t want those things anymore, then it was still no reason to have a 9 month long affair.  Not when he knew that every man I had been with before him cheated on me too.  Not when I outwardly told him when we were dating that if he ever wanted to be with someone else just tell me and break up with me first.  But then I think thats the reason why he pretended to be 21 for her.  Like he wanted to go back to that irresponsible age.  Peter Pan shit.  I mean this girl was the age of my baby Cousins he met for christ sake.  It makes me sick to think about.

Then there is the fact that I think about all of the things and moments over the past almost year and all of the times he must have lied to me to make this happen and maintain a relationship with this other girl while neither of us knew about the other.  The fact that he told me he had to work til from 8 am until 10 pm on valentines day… That would have been their first valentines day together.  He was with her while I was at home waiting for him and cooking him a surprise dinner.  There is no doubt in my mind.  After all…he told her he wanted to marry her.  The there is the fact that when she had left, he was talking to me on the phone about life and fixing things.  If this poor girl hadn’t reached out to me….I would have never known.  He wouldn’t have ever told me if all of his lies were any indication.  I think that is what I come back to when I blame myself…how many lies had to be told.  It is….astronomical.  And probably the only reason I dont completely blame myself.

I could drive myself crazy thinking about it.  About thinking how blind and trusting I was.  About how I lived with and loved a man that I didn’t know.  About how everything I thought I knew about the man I had been with for almost a decade was wrong.  About what I could have done differently. And he’s giving me a hard time about the things I want sent up and the money that he owes my dad!  Like I’m still asking too much!

It’s things like that that make me realize a few things that I wish someone had told me before I got married…and just generally about being an adult and being me:

  1. If he’s not fucking you, he’s fucking someone else (Thanks for telling me this after aunt Andi)
  2. I have way more self-control than I ever thought that I did.  Anyone else would have lost their shit and posted a million things and called them and texted them a bunch of times.  I keep his douchebaggery to myself, even though I know he’s probably telling his entire family that I’m the one responsible.
  3. Some people will never take responsibility for their own action.  Avoid these kinds of people at all costs.  They are not pitiful.  They are irresponsible and will most likely blame the next kind of people for their problems.
  4. Likewise its okay to be the kind of person who can recognize their own part in things.  Actually, it’s a good thing.  But you cant take responsibility for other peoples actions.  You don’t DRIVE a person into anything.   We are all responsible or our own choices.
  5. And last but the most important thing I’ve learned:  You can do everything just like your supposed to (Go to college, get married, have a good job, support yourself) and still have the rug pulled out from under you at any moment.  There is no such thing as forever.
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There is a time in our lives when we figure out that we are adults. When that time is...we sometimes don't know. Even at 32. I'm just a young woman trying to restart and learn how to live as an adult after years of just making ends meet. Coming out of a divorce was something horrid for Erika, but opening up to my authentic self and finding joy in the things I love has been a huge step forward. Becoming an adult isn't about the age you are at, but being comfortable in what you do, what you love and who you are.

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