The Crazy Feeling: I Know Other People Have Felt This Before But It Doesn’t Make Me Feel Any Less Nuts

In spite of what my ex probably says, I am not a crazy person.  I try not to cause or be involved in Drama.  Hell even when he was having an affair and we weren’t playing bump in the night I didn’t even check his cell phone.  I don’t see the point in drama when you could just be making a situation worse.  I don’t see the point in blowing things out of proportion when you could still fix them.

But this entire thing is making me feel like a skirt off the Jersey Shore.  I don’t want to think things like that I bet that this girl is living in my apartment and her sending me those messages was just some elaborate rouse to get me out of the picture.  Because Honestly, while I would have never thought that before I a month ago I was also of the very firm belief that no matter what our issues were, my husband was a stand-up guy who, while not ambitious, was a good person that would never hurt another person.

Clearly, I was wrong.  And for some reason, I still feel like I’m nagging him because I am having to reach out to do the most basic things in this divorce, like divide up our stuff.  It seems like a simple task but when the other person clearly has no regard for you, it’s not.  Its gut wrenching enough that I had to close my eyes and mentally go through the apartment and hope that I didn’t forget anything (Which I already know I did), or to try not to be spiteful and be like “No, you were going to or are living in our apartment that I decorated and tried to make a home with your girlfriend who you lied to me about for 9 months while looking at the headboard that my MOTHER bought us for our anniversary.” But the fact that he didn’t answer my email, which clearly goes to his phone, for four days and I had to send him a text that read “You’re the one who wanted this.  Please dont make me keep reaching out”.

Is just so…..him.  Everything that had to get done, I had to nag because he just refused to do the most basic shit.  And then wanted a fucking cookie for doing one tiny thing like doing the laundry but then not putting it away for a week and just leaving it sitting unfolded in the living room.

I just want to scream because it makes me feel like in some areas he was right.  I did have to push him because otherwise, it was just me doing everything all the time and unfortunately, sometimes you need participation. Like our f*cking divorce.  Maybe there should be some effort or attention put into that huh?  Its not a basket of unfolded clothing sitting on the floor that can just get left for a week.  This shit is kind of a priority!

And then that thought drives me crazy because while he is right about me having to push him I don’t feel like its pushing him because oh my god these are things that normal people do!

And then I feel even crazier because I think about the fact that he was probably going to do them with this 19-year-old who didn’t know any better.   And then I circle back around to the suspicion that this was all just

An-elaborate- plan- to- get- rid- of- me- and -he’s- fucking- that- girl (Who in this scenario is no longer innocent) in-my-apartment- against- my- headboard- that- my- mother- picked- out- so- why- the- hell- should- he- get- both- of- my- signed- Walking- Dead- Posters!

Deep Crazy Girl Breath.  

So basically I feel like a crazy person all of the time and it comes well, like a premenopausal hot flash.  It’s kinda hard to try and right your life when its consumed by having to chase down and your divorce.  And that’s not even getting into the fact that I’m not even asking for anything big.  Its some of the stuff we got for the wedding, the fire stick, posters I bought but he thinks one of them is his because he didn’t get to go with me to comic-con because he didn’t tell me he was off work that day and I asked my friends 8 year old to go with me. I’m not asking for the furniture of which he only bought the bed and the sofa.  I’m not asking for alimony (which everyone tells me I really should but I dont want to go through that battle). I’m asking for my fucking serving dishes.

But now he messages me back (On his phone so you know he fucking got it the second I sent it) that there is some stuff he would like to discuss.  But today is looking really bad for him.   I’m starting to really see why people get lawyers to deal with this because as much as I have to nag him, I really dont even want to talk to him.  And that just makes it worse.

So here is really the question for both the ladies and the gentlemen out there.  Please tell me that this particular brand of crazy is normal?   Please tell me I’m not being a dramatic brat?  Please tell me that everyone in this situation has these random conspiracy theories and then has to remind themselves that it really doesn’t matter because either way the result is the same?

 

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There is a time in our lives when we figure out that we are adults. When that time is...we sometimes don't know. Even at 32. I'm just a young woman trying to restart and learn how to live as an adult after years of just making ends meet. Coming out of a divorce was something horrid for Erika, but opening up to my authentic self and finding joy in the things I love has been a huge step forward. Becoming an adult isn't about the age you are at, but being comfortable in what you do, what you love and who you are.

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